Keeping Children Safe in the Homes of Friends

 

Say, say, oh playmate,
Come out and play with me.
And bring your dollies three;
Climb up my apple tree

Shout down my rain barrel;
Slide down my cellar door,
And we'll be jollyfriends
Forever more more more more more.

Say, say, oh playmate,
I cannot play with you.
My dolly's got the flu;
Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo

Ain't got no rain barrel;
Ain't got no cellar door;
But we'll be jolly friends
Forever more more more more more.

These lyrics from a song credited to Saxie Dowell, was always a favorite of mine to sing to my children and now my grandchildren. If only my singing voice measured up to the adorable quality of the song! That song, a very old one, suggests a much more innocent and carefree time in the play world of children. Things are not always so innocent in today’s society, unfortunately.

Play dates are great for children. It is important for children to be able to visit and play in one another homes. Play dates are an important part of developing social skills in children. Play dates can, however, be a reason for concern on the part of parents. Parents can’t be with their children all the time. The dilemma for parents of teaching their children to be safe when they are not with them in public places, as well as in the homes of friends, without making children fearful, is a delicate balancing act. It can be done though. Giving children the tools they need to take a proactive role in staying safe in public places and in their own homes, when they are not with their parents, is the premise of my book, What Would You Do? A Kid’s Guide to Staying  Safe in a World of Strangers.

However, play dates in the homes of others can throw an entire new concern that parents should address. In any social situation, from play dates to birthday parties to the eventual sleepover, children just want to have fun. Parents, however, need to feel confident that their children are safe and protected anywhere, including in the homes of others.

It’s important that parents take precautionary measures to ensure their children are safe when playing in the homes of their friends. Below are some tips to help you, as parents, better achieve that safety goal:

·       Meet the parents before agreeing to any play date. It’s necessary for you to know who will be in charge when your children are at a play date in someone else’s home.

·        If you can't schedule a face-to-face meeting before setting up a play date with a new friend, you should have an extended and detailed telephone conversation with the parents.

·       Whether it’s a face to face meeting or a telephone conversation, you should discuss with the other parents such concerns as food allergies, car seats, computer policies and all safety rules around such potential dangers as swimming pools, trampolines, or any other play equipment.

·       Also ask if the family has a gun in the home. Guns in the home can present a very realistic danger. Don’t be concerned about offending anyone by asking the gun question. If the parents hosting the play date are responsible gun owners, they would understand and even appreciate the question. No responsible parent wants a child to be harmed while in their care.

·       Also ask if the parents will be home during the play date. Parental monitoring of the play date is essential.

·        If your child is attending a birthday party in a public place, such as a restaurant or some kind of sporting or play arena, you should always ask if your children can be accompanied to the restroom.

·       Communicate with your children. Talk to them every day. This may give you some insight into who their friends are and what kinds of things they do together. It can also better ensure that your children feel comfortable and connected to you. Ask open-ended questions, such as what do they do, who do they hang out with, or who do they have lunch with. Be diplomatic in asking the questions. You don’t want to annoy your children or have them decide that you are nosy and risk having them completely shut down communication with you.

·       If you have concerns about allowing your children to play in a particular family’s home, consider having the play date in your own home. Doing this, at least initially, will help you to get a feel for a new friend's parents by observing their children’s  behavior. Sometimes a child’s behavior speaks volumes about his or her home environment. If the behavior seems off-putting in any way, you have a legitimate right to be concerned.

·       Trust your instincts. Sometimes parents, wanting to be nice and not offend anyone, may not trust their gut reactions or instincts. If you have an intuition that you are uncomfortable with your children going to a certain family’s home, for whatever reason, that's what you need to trust.

·       Don’t be overly protective. That’s why ensuring the safety of children in the homes of others is a delicate balancing act. It’s true that the world is sometimes a scary place and sometimes terrible things can occur. Over protecting your children does nothing to help bolster their self confidence or self reliance,  Kids who pick up on parental fears can become highly fearful or anxious, and they may have difficulty with separation. As your children begin to learn safety and self reliance skills, you need to back off a bit. You want children to feel competent as they grow up. You want them to be able to handle the challenges that come their way. They can't do that if they feel fearful or anxious. Exercise precaution, but don’t hover!

 

Picture credit: Ned Horton