Divorce and Children: Helping Children Cope

 

 

 

Divorce can be devastating to children. There are strategies for parents to use to help their children cope.

 Divorce is difficult for parents and children alike. Many children of divorce feel frustrated, sad, angry, and may even act out in unacceptable ways. Parents can work together to help their children over the rocky road of divorce

How to Help Children Cope

According to Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D, author of “Helping Kids Cope with Your Amicable Divorce” on PsychCentral.com, parents can help their children cope with divorce by listening, by being empathetic and by being reassuring. Parents should encourage their children to share their feelings and listen intently when they do. If they have trouble finding the words to express themselves, parents can help by being mindful of their moods and inviting them to talk and acknowledging what they say. Parents should let their children know that whatever they say is ok.

Parents should clear up any misunderstandings or misconceptions that their children have about the divorce. If necessary, parents should repeat the reason for the divorce and reassure their children that, though some things will change, the family will work together to adjust to the changes. Above all, parents should be patient with their children. Adjustment will take some time for parents and children alike.

Demonstrating physical closeness with children is a helpful coping strategy. Parents should demonstrate physical closeness in the form of hugs and a closer physical proximity.  Such closeness is a powerful way to reassure children that you will be there for them.

Parents should try to provide stability and structure for their children as they adjust to the changes. That doesn’t mean that they have to establish rigid, inflexible schedules, but having some semblance of a consistent routine in each household and open communication in and between households provides needed stability during divorce.

Divorcing parents should strive to work with their ex spouses, maintain an amicable relationship, and avoid arguing in front of the children or putting the children in the middle of arguments or disagreements. Parents should avoid making their children feel as if they have to choose sides. 

Parents should be tactful and avoid discussing with their children any details of their spouse’s behavior. Parents should avoid making negative comments about their ex in front of or to their children. Divorcing parents being amicable and working through problems together is very reassuring to children and will help teach them problem solving skills as well. 

When to Seek Professional Help

Given time, love and reassurance, many children will begin to cope with the changes that divorce brings about in their lives. Some children adapt rather quickly. Others may have a more difficult time and may need additional help.

It is normal for children of divorced parents to feel a certain amount of anger, anxiety, and even mild depression. However, if after several months, children of divorce haven’t shown signs of beginning to cope, parents should seek professional help for them.

Parents should watch for such warning signs as poor concentration and trouble at school, sleep problems, and drug or alcohol problems. If their children should start withdrawing from family, friends and loved ones or show no interest in participating in activities they formerly enjoyed, they may not be coping.

Parents should also watch for more severe reactions to the divorce such as persistent angry or violent outbursts or any signs of self injury, such as cutting. If any such behavior is observed parents should seek professional help.

 

Picture credit: Crystal Galvaz



 





Small Acts of Kindness: Developing Happiness in Children

 

 

 

Though the holidays seem to be the season in which kindness abounds, kindness should be a part of the very nature of our everyday lives. Before retiring from teaching, one of the projects that I assigned my students each year was my Random Acts of Kindness lesson plan. I required the students, for a period of two weeks, to practice at least 6 random acts of kindness. Three of those acts were to be acts of kindness demonstrated to a stranger (with all precautions for safety and parental guidance being taken into consideration).  I also asked the students to introduce an element of “paying it forward” in hopes that the recipient of their act of kindness would respond by doing an act of kindness for someone else. At the end of the two- week project, the students were to report to the class what their acts of kindness were and what, if anything, the responses were.

Of course some students took it more seriously than others, and the project was a success with them. With others, I decided, it was going to be a work in progress. I persisted in doing the project each year, though, as I saw it as a way of helping children to look outside of themselves and their own little worlds to see that kindness and compassion should always be an important priority. I wanted them to realize that even one little kindness can make a difference in someone’s day and, yes, possibly even in their lives.

In learning of a new study about small acts of kindness, I feel that my student project over the years may not have been an exercise in futility. New research conducted jointly by the University of B. C. and the University of California found that children who perform their small acts of kindness tend to bolster their own sense of happiness and well being. The researchers also surmised that such acts of kindness may even help to counteract bullying behavior.

Approximately 400 Vancouver elementary schoolchildren were asked to report on their happiness after four weeks of participating in one of two scenarios. One group of the nine to 11-year-olds were asked by their teachers to perform acts of kindness, such as sharing their lunch or giving their mom a hug if she appeared stressed. The second group was asked to keep track of pleasant places they visited, such as a playground or their grandparents’ house. While both groups reported a boost in happiness, the children who were kind said they wanted to work with a higher number of classmates on school activities.

The study found that being kind had some real benefits to the happiness of the students. It also had some real benefits to the school community and community at large. Professor Kimberly Schonert-Reichl stated that those findings mean it’s likely teachers can create a sense of connectedness in the classroom simply by asking students to think about how they can act kindly to others and that may help reduce bullying behavior.

 The take-away from this is that parents and teachers can help foster the personal happiness of children, as well as make a positive impact on dealing with the bullying problem in schools by stressing to their children and students the importance of demonstrating kindness and compassion to others, and that can, in turn, help to reduce bullying behavior.

 

Picture credit: Bart Hickman

 





The Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act: Does It Really Protect Children from Predators?

 

 

             The Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act was established in 1998 and is enforced by the Federal Trade Commission. It requires websites to obtain parental permission before collecting any personal information from children under the age of 13. This is supposed to better protect the privacy of children and better ensure their safety from online predators. However, is it effectively doing that? A new study conducted by the Polytechnic Institute of New York University suggests otherwise.

            The study claims that when online social networks restrict usage by children under the age of 13, some children are simply motivated to lie about their ages when registering for the sites. When children lie about their ages when registering for such sites, it not only puts their privacy at risk, but the privacy and protection of children who do not lie about their ages, as well.

            The research team mined data from Facebook using what they referred to as “modest online crawling, computational resources, and simple data-mining practices.” In doing so, they were able to build extensive profiles on most minors at three targeted high schools in the United States. The profiles included such personal information such as full names, locations of hometowns and high schools, grade-levels, and profile pictures.

The research team suggests that such personal information could be sold to data brokers, and it could be used in phishing attacks. Worse yet, this could facilitate physical dangers to children from stalkers, predators, and potential kidnappers.

More telling still is the fact that the research study included an analysis of privacy leakage both with and without the Children’s Online Privacy Protection Act. They determined that attackers can actually gain more information about minors with the law in place. They suggest that social media sites could better protect the privacy and safety of children by disabling the reverse look-up of friends feature that allows anyone to find a child’s hidden information through a friend’s page. It is vital that parents and children be cognizant of the fact that that the actions of a virtual friend could compromise a child’s privacy and his safety.

Until online social networks do so, parents should be diligent in monitoring their children’s Internet use by checking periodically to see what sites they are using. This can be more readily accomplished if children’s computers are in a central location in the home where parents can more readily oversee what their children are doing on the computer.

Additional strategies to protect children from predators, both in the virtual world and the real world, can be found in my award-winning book, What Would You Do? A Kid’s Guide to Staying Safe in a World of Strangers. The book is available in hardback cover through, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books-A-Million, and through Follett, Baker & Taylor, and Ingram’s catalogues.

Picture credit: Nevit Dilmen

 





Protecting Children’s Privacy and Safety on Social Media and Smart-Phones

 

Parents are justified in having concerns about the safety and privacy of their children who use social media and Smart-Phones. Some companies, websites and apps target teens and children under the age of 13 by collecting photos or geo-location data from them.

It has always been the goal of the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act (COPPA) to protect children from such targeting. New rules and updates from COPPA make the Children's Online Privacy Protection Act more relevant in the social media and mobile phone age. The new rules place additional burdens on companies that target kids under 13. The rules were enacted despite objections from industry groups.

It is mandatory now that websites and phone apps that collect photos or geo-location data from children must now obtain parental permission, putting that data in the same category as kids' email or home addresses. The COPPA updates also make firms more responsible for data collection by third parties. This was a loophole that had been exploited by marketers in the past.

The changes that parents notice may be subtle at first. Some children’s apps might begin requesting parental permissions via emails or other methods. If that would be the case, it’s important that parents make sure kids don't circumvent those rules by using fake email address to grant themselves permission

To quote, Martha Stewart’s famous line, “It’s a good thing.” At last, children’s online privacy, whether they are using a mobile phone, tablet, gaming device or computer, is protected. The new COPPA rules put parents in charge of what data can be collected from their children.

Picture credit: Vicky S

 

 





An Approach to Help Parents Deal with Children who are Discipline Challenges

 

I would like to introduce a guest blogger, Julie Katz. She is a Certified Nurtured Heart Parent Coach/Trainer who lives in Las Vegas and coaches parents and teachers, as well as conducting one-on-one sessions via phone or Skype. Her post offers  my readers useful strategies and resources to help parents manage spirited, intense or undisciplined children.

 

Do you have children in your life who:

·       appear angry or defiant?

·       exhibit temper tantrums?

·       do not respond to traditional discipline techniques?

Do you, as a parent:

·       find yourself yelling all the time?

·       feel like you’re not having any fun with your kids?

·       feel stressed out or anxious?

There is an approach that can help.

 

The Nurtured Heart Approach™ (NHA) created by Howard Glasser, is more than just a behavior management strategy. It’s a method of parenting children with ADHD and others who are highly intense or difficult, by transforming the focus of their intensity and energy from one of ongoing opposition, negativity and failure, into one of success and achievement. It is about recognizing and reflecting successes in every moment with your child.  

 

Traditional parenting methods may work for the average child, but are not designed for the intense child and the harder we try with these conventional methods, the worse it gets.

 

Once we take away the ipad, phone, TV and all other privileges, what are we left with? The truth of the matter is that the child is running the show and he isn’t afraid of us.

 

That’s why I created www.gettingback2greatness.com. I help families with spirited children by having the parents acknowledge and celebrate the child’s positive behaviors and reflect them back to the child, while giving no attention to the negative behaviors.

 

Particularly intense kids who get all of our delicious, luscious attention when they are misbehaving and breaking rules so they rise to that expectation- why would they give that up?

 

 

We as parents, accidentally energize the choices we don’t want our children to make, by giving out $100 bills in the form of our attention, focus, and relationship.

 

Energetically we hand out big bucks all the time. Children can feel relatively invisible when they are not breaking the rules and perceive the juicy connection when they do because the energy we give is often “upside down”.

 

By realizing that we are the gift being sought by our children, we can now decide how to give them our attention, energy, and relationship. We can either focus on the negative behaviors- the whining, name calling, temper tantrums and all of the other undesirable behaviors, or we can flip it right side up and energize the children for all of the non-rule breaking behaviors that they do every day. Once the adult begins to celebrate the child’s positive behaviors, the parent creates a “juicier” time-in.  As the child feels “nourished” by the parent, he will use his intensity in more successful ways.

 

The bottom line of the NHA is that an intense or difficult child is actually an energy-challenged child who is drawn to the strongest possible texture of adult energy- he doesn't care how he gets it- he wants the $1 million check and doesn't see that there's a negative sign in front of it. 

 

Parents and teachers need to make a child feel valued. This is accomplished by recognizing the child’s positive choices and reflecting them back to the child in these moments so they get a first-hand experience of their success. 

 

This technique is a remarkable way of showing your child that you notice and care about many aspects of her life...It is not only a way of feeding her emotional reservoir, but of proving that she is not invisible. Indeed, many children feel they are invisible unless they are either going to the trouble of acting out or doing something exceptionally well.

 

Once you begin to implement this approach and the child feels “seen” - the parent will see the behaviors in their home shift and the child will show up in their greatness.

You can get more information by visiting www.gettingbacktogreatness.com. You can also call 702-461-0749. Email: julie@gettingback2greatness.com

 

 

 

 

Protecting and Reassuring Children in Severe Storms and Natural Disasters

 

 

I can remember a frightening dream that I had when my children were small. It was really more of a nightmare. I dreamed that a tornado hit where we lived, and I was unable to find my children after frantically searching through the aftermath of the storm. Those kinds of dreams give one pause. I have always been fearful for the safety of my children and all of my family in the event severe storms or any natural disaster should strike.

When children hear on the news about tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, and other kinds of natural disasters, they naturally become frightened. Children who have experienced such natural disasters themselves can become traumatized by the event and the destructive aftermath. Such events threaten their sense of security and normalcy.

Parents can better protect their children by knowing what to do and where to go if evacuation is necessary. Have a plan, and keep your children aware of what they need to do in the event of an emergency. Keep in touch with schools, teachers and emergency officials.

Parents can reassure children and help them cope if they have heard news reports of severe storms or any other natural disasters that took homes and lives, or if the children themselves have been traumatized by being in the path of such a natural disasters. Parents can remind children that they have an emergency plan in place that will help to better protect them. During a storm, or in the aftermath of one, remain calm.

Acknowledge and normalize their feelings and fears as being a normal reaction. Encourage them to talk about disaster-related events, and promote positive problem-solving and coping skills. Emphasize to the children their resiliency. That will help to bolster their confidence. It is also important to strengthen children’s friendships and family support network.

Picture credit: Laura Griffith

 





What are the Lessons for Parents and Children in Light of the George Zimmerman Acquittal?

 

 

Much of America is shocked and outraged at the not guilty verdict for George Zimmeran for killing young Trayvon Martin. What lessons can be learned from this verdict? What can parents, particularly parents of black children, teach them?

It is true that black Americans are freer now, considering the years of subjugation and discrimination. However, the Zimmerman acquittal in the death of a black teenager walking home with a bag of Skittles and an iced tea shows that America has a long way to go in the battle against racism. Despite the end of Jim Crow, it would seem that it is still socially, politically and legally acceptable to presume the guilt of nonwhite bodies. It would seem that Trayvon Martin was the one on trial rather than George Zimmerman.

W. E. B. Du Bois stated in The Souls of Black Folk, “It is a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one's self through the eyes of others. . . . One feels his two-ness - an American, a Negro; two souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings; two warring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder.”

What are the lessons of this verdict for non-white children? We learn that it seems that black children may be destined to live their lives feeling the sense of two-ness and having to look at themselves through the eyes of others, as Du Bois eloquently referenced.We learn that black parents should understand that many white people view their children, whether they are honor students, volunteers, or athletes, as potentially menacing, and that all their activities - driving a car, shopping in a store, or even taking an evening stroll to the corner store for Skittles -should be viewed the same way as those white people with the guns. In other words, it seems that non white children should assume that white people will view them as inherently threatening and suspect. The Zimmerman verdict teaches that white people apparently can approach, incite, and initiate conflict with a black child, and that black child should not respond defensively in any form, because the white man with the gun has the right to stand his ground.

W.E.B. Dubois, have you just rolled over in your grave?