I am honored to introduce to my readers a guest
blogger for today’s post to Child Safety. Jayneen Sanders (aka Jay Dale) is an experienced
primary school teacher, editor and publisher. She is also an accomplished
children’s book author, writing over 100 titles for Engage Literacy (Capstone Classroom). Jay is a strong advocate for
sexual abuse prevention education and is the author of the children’s picture
book on this topic: Some Secrets Should
Never Be Kept.
I think you will find that her guest blog post below
is very informative and offers valuable resources.
Keeping
Kids Safe from Inappropriate Touch
We teach our children water safety and road safety —
it is equally important to teach our children ‘body safety’ from a very young
age. As both a teacher and a mother, I strongly recommend to all parents
that ‘body safety’ become a normal part of your parenting conversation. The
sexual abuse of children has no social boundaries, and providing children with
body safety skills empowers them with knowledge of what is good and bad touch.
The statistics of 1 in 3 girls and I in 6 boys will be
sexually interfered with before their 18th birthday is truly
frightening, and as many experts point out, this statistic only reflects
reported cases. Also 93% of children will know their perpetrator. The
community’s focus has so often been on ‘stranger danger’ — however, the reality
is, the perpetrator will be most likely be someone in the child’s immediate family
circle and a person they know and trust.
There are a number of fantastic books available to
teach children body safety skills. Children are visual learners so story is an
excellent medium when broaching this subject with your child. Here are my top
ten.
Top Ten
Books to Empower Kids About Their Bodies
1 ‘Some
Secrets Should Never Be Kept’ written by Jayneen Sanders, illustrated by Craig
Smith, published by Upload Publishing 2011
2 ‘My
Body Belongs to Me’ written by Jill Starishevsky, illustrated by Sara Muller, published
by Safety Star 2008
3 ‘Everyone’s
Got a Bottom’ written by Tess Rowley, illustrated by Jodi Edwards, published by
Family Planning Queensland 2007
4 ‘Matilda
Learns a Valuable Lesson’ written by Holly-ann Martin, illustrated by Marilyn
Fahie, published by Safe4Kids 2011
5 ‘Jasmine’s
Butterflies’ written by Justine O’Malley, illustrated by Carey Lawrence, published
by Protective Behaviours WA
6 ‘Amazing
You’ written by Dr Gail Saltz, illustrated by Lynne Avril Cravath, published by
Penguin 2005
7 ‘The
Right Touch’ written by Sandy Kleven, illustrated by Jody Bergsma, published by
Illumination Arts 1997
8 ‘It’s
My Body’ written by Lory Freeman Girard, illustrated by Carol Deach, published
by Parenting Press 1982
9 ‘I
Said No!’ written by Zack and Kimberly King, illustrated by Sue Rama, published
by Boulden Publishing 2008
10 ‘Your
Body Belongs to You’ by Cornelia Spelman, illustrated by Teri Weidner, Albert
Whitman & Company 1997
To further help parents, here is a summary of the very
important body safety skills every parent should teach their child. Please
note, these skills can be taught gradually and in daily conversations as your
child grows.
Body
Safety Skills
1. As
soon as your child begins to talk and is aware of their body parts, begin to
name them correctly, e.g. toes, nose, eyes, etc. Children should also know the
correct names for their genitals from a young age. Try not to use ‘pet names’.
This way, if a child is touched inappropriately, they can clearly state to you
or a trusted adult where they have been touched.
2. Teach
your child that their penis, vagina, bottom, breasts and nipples are called
their ‘private parts’ and that these are their body parts that go under their
swimsuit. Note: a child’s mouth is also known as a ‘private zone’.
3. Teach
your child that no-one has the right to touch or ask to see their private parts
(and if someone does, they must tell you or a trusted adult (or older teenager)
straight away. Reinforce that they must keep on telling until they
are believed. (Statistics tell us that a child will need to tell three people
before they are believed.) As your child becomes older (3+) help them to
identify five people they could tell. These people are part of their ‘network’.
4. Teach
you child that if some-one (i.e. the perpetrator) asks them to touch their own private
parts or shows their private parts to the child that this is wrong also, and
that they must tell a trusted adult (or older teenager) straightaway. Reinforce
that they must keep on telling until they are believed.
5. At
the same time as you are discussing in appropriate touch, talk about feelings.
Discuss what it feels like to be happy, sad, angry, excited, etc. Encourage
your child in daily activities to talk about their feelings, e.g. ‘I felt
really sad when … pushed me over.’ This way your child will be more able to
verbalise how they are feeling if someone does touch them inappropriately.
6. Talk
with your child about feeling ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’. Discuss times when your
child might feel ‘unsafe’, e.g. being pushed down a steep slide; or ‘safe’,
e.g. snuggled up on the couch reading a book with you. Children need to
understand the different emotions that come with feeling ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’.
For example, when feeling ‘safe’, they may feel happy and have a warm feeling
inside; when feeling ‘unsafe’ they may feel scared and have a sick feeling in
their tummy.
7. Discuss
with your child their ‘early warning signs’ when feeling unsafe, i.e. heart
racing, feeling sick in the tummy, sweaty palms, feeling like crying. Let them
come up with some ideas of their own. Tell your child that they must tell you
if any of their ‘early warning signs’ happen in any situation. Reinforce that
you will always believe them and that they can tell you anything.
8. As
your child grows, try as much as possible to discourage the keeping of secrets.
(Perpetrators rely heavily on children keeping secrets.) Talk about happy
surprises such as not telling Granny about her surprise birthday party and
‘bad’ secrets such as someone touching your private parts. Make sure your child
knows that if someone does ask them to keep an inappropriate secret that they
must tell you or someone in their network straight away.
9. Discuss
with your child when it is appropriate for someone to touch their private
parts, e.g. a doctor if they are sick (but making sure they know you must be in
the room). Discuss with your child that if someone does touch their private
parts (without you there) they have the right to say: ‘No!’ or ‘Stop!’ and
outstretch their arm and hand. Children (from a very young age) need to know
their body is their body and no-one has the right to touch it in appropriately.
Lastly, sexual abuse prevention education is not only
a parent’s responsibly, it is also the community’s responsibility. Ask your
child’s kinder or school if they are running such a program. If they are not,
ask why not. And PLEASE lobby for it.
Note: The
above points are a summary of the body safety skills your child needs to learn.
If you wish to learn more, go to such organizations as Just
Tell, Childhelp and Stop It Now.
Some
general grooming techniques to be wary of
• Be aware of any person who wishes
to spend a great deal of time with your child, seeking out their company and
offering to take care of them.
• A person who pays special
attention to your child, making them feel more special than any other child;
providing them with special treats, presents, sweets, etc.
• A person who is always willing
to help out and ‘babysit’ when you are extremely busy and pushed for time.
Note: Sexual
offenders will always plan who they target, they will work hard at getting both
the child and the family’s trust. They will create opportunities to be alone
with children or groups of children and may well target vulnerable communities.
They frequently change jobs and address to avoid detection. They will often
spend a lot of time with children outside of their jobs. Sex offenders may well
set up a scenario where a child has a reputation for lying so as to discredit
them if they ever should disclose.
Normal
sexual behavior
Children have a natural curiosity about their bodies
and sex. This is normal. If you see any of the following behavior try not to
react in a negative way. Sexual curiosity is how child learn about their
gender. Age appropriate sexual behavior is as follows:
• babies,
toddler and young children exploring their genitals and enjoying being naked
• question
about why they have a penis and girls don’t (vice a versa), ie trying to work
out the difference between what it is to be male and what it is to be female
• showing
others their genitals
• playing
doctors and nurses and/or mommies and daddies, kissing holding hands with
children of a similar age
• using
slang words or ‘rude’ words they have picked up
• looking
at each other’s body parts (particularly children under 7, close in age and who
know each other ) in mutual agreement, ie no-one is being forced to show each
other’s their body parts
• as
they get older, curious about where they came from; may be giggly and
embarrassed about body parts discussion
Some general signs that
a child (0 to 12 years) may be being sexually abuse
Note: one or more of these
indicators does not mean your child is being sexually abused, but if they do
show these indicators, then there is good reason to investigate further.
• overly interested in theirs or other’s genitals
• continually wants to touch private parts of other children
• instigating and/or forcing ‘sex play’ with another child (often
younger, more than 3 years difference in age)
• sex play not appropriate ie oral genital contact between a 7
year old and a 4 year old
• sex play with another child happening more than once, despite
careful monitoring and discussion about inappropriateness
• persistent masturbation that does not cease when told to stop
• sexualized play with dolls or toys
• sexualized play involving forced penetration of objects vaginally
or anally
• chronic peeping, exposing and obscenities
• touching or rubbing against the genitals of adults or children they
do not know
• persistent use of ‘dirty’ words
• describing sexual acts and sexualized behavior beyond their
years
• strong body odor
• sores around the mouth
• bruising or bleeding in the genital area, bruising to breasts,
buttocks, lower abdomen or thighs
• withdrawn and anxious behavior
• secretive or say they have a ‘special’ secret that they must not
tell
• child or child’s friend telling you about interference directly
or indirectly
• going to bed fully clothed
• increase in nightmares and sleep disturbances
• regressive behavior, for example, a return to bed-wetting or
soiling
• unexplained accumulation of money and gifts
In older children (adolescents)
• self-destructive behavior such as drug dependency, suicide
attempts, self-mutilation
• eating disorders
• adolescent pregnancy
• persistent running away from home
• withdrawn, angry
• pornography interest; verbally sexually aggressive obscenities
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